inkpawprints: (OTP)
2014-08-31 06:46 pm

DVD Commentary meme - for sealandangel

From Tumblr: Pick any passage of 500 words or less from any fanfic I’ve written, and stick that selection in my ask/fan mail. I will then give you the equivalent of a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what’s going on in the character’s heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you’d expect to find on a DVD commentary track.

Nukume Dori 19 - excerpt chosen by sealandangel )

There have been a few scenes I have been carrying in my head since I started writing this fic ... over ten years ago. Seishirou with Subaru's lighter at the end of Crime. Subaru's confession at the MS Institute. The kiss under the fireworks in Kyoto. Matsumoto's death. And this scene. In my head it's incredibly quiet, with only the sound of rain, and slow. Every movement, every breath and every touch means something. To finally be able to write it after all this time was sheer relief because holy crap I've made it to this point. They've made it to this point. We've all come a long way.

Subaru. He's realising that he can't fix everything, that it's not his place to do so, and thanks to Matsumoto - who I adored writing, I really felt bad that his story had to end the same - he's realised that in a relationship you have to learn to forgive and let go of being angry and give primacy to the relationship. More importantly, he's realised that the Bet isn't just something he's trapped in, in a way, Seishirou is also trapped in it. Any other person, if treated the way Subaru has treated Seishirou throughout the course of the fic, would have walked away, but Seishirou is bound by his word and can't. This scene is Subaru applying all of that, and it's incredibly important that while Seishirou has appeared here, the first step is taken by Subaru. (The fact that Seishirou takes the second 'bringing the umbrella over them both' is just as important). It coalesces everything, and gives Subaru the confidence, trust and peace of mind to take the other first step of physical intimacy with Seishirou, something he's always wanted but been too afraid and unsure to go through with.

Seishirou ... is complicated. There's a hint of wariness and hesitancy on his part here, even defensiveness. He's not sure how Subaru is going to react - their interaction immediately previous to this was chaotic, violent, with anger and desire all mixed together - and he's here purely because by the terms of the Bet, his terms of the Bet which bind him to Subaru's side for a period of time. His pride however means he won't do more than that: it's essentially here I am, this is the bare minimum expected of me, but that's all I will do. Your move. Seishirou for all that he's the Sakurazukamori is not utterly without feeling, and for he himself he has been reaching the limits of his patience with Subaru for some time. (Side note: on the emotionlessness of the Sakurazukamori, I have my own interpretation which I'll be teasing out more over the rest of the fic, but the short version is not that Seishirou is utterly incapable of emotion otherwise he'd be a bland character, but the extremities of emotion, the profound emotion that collapses and changes your world, and more importantly empathy is a different matter). What is less apparent but I hope hinted at throughout the fic, is that he's also tired. It's not something he's aware of, but it's perhaps the most overt sign that even if he doesn't consciously remember the Final Day and whatever he felt for Subaru then, something inside of him does. His breath catching when Subaru initiates that touch of lips to palm isn't just a reaction of surprise and desire, it's a reaction that is not controlled. Seishirou is far less self-aware than he thinks and holds himself out to be - something the Sakura is well aware of.

As for me ... looking back at my posting history I was writing this chapter at the end of 2012 into early 2013. I was writing it having moved literally to the other side of the world starting a new job, dealing with the onset of European winter, and taking trips to London, France and New York. The characters have come a long way and so have I: when I started writing this fic I was in the first year of a law degree at university in one of the most isolated cities in the world. At time of posting the chapter I had been practicing lawyer for several years and lived in four different cities on three continents. There's still more to come.

Feel free to ask anything else :)