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This was a sequel to Crucible maybe started for the Mass Effect Big Bang??? (I would like to return to it someday.)

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[personal profile] damalur
AKA "That One Futurefic AU Where Nancy Is the Sheriff"

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i watch too much tv

Oct. 21st, 2017 08:25 pm
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[personal profile] jessenigma
I had things I had to do tonight - write two discussion board posts for a module in my TEFL certification class, mainly - but I can't do them now because I am too devastated by a tv show to do anything but punch walls.

I started watching Tokyo Ghoul because I am currently All About some supernatural goings-on in my media and am still in the thick of my newest anime phase. It's rather gory, as the premise is that there are beings called ghouls living among us who look human but actually live off human flesh, and following an unfortunate accident, a human college student had organs implanted in him from a ghoul (unknowingly) that transformed him into half-human, half-ghoul. But gory though it is, it was interesting from the perspective of asking what makes us human/what makes us a monster.

I cried at the end of the first season because after being kidnapped and undergoing severe torture, the lead decided that he needed to leave behind the ghouls who had become his family, essentially severing his last ties to his humanity, even if it was just humanity in the form of eating people in a humane way. (Yeah, so gross, I know.)

I have found myself weirdly upset a lot the last few months over stories with people willingly stepping away from their humanity/their human connections. It's not like it's an uncommon theme, but it hurts a lot to think about. It's tragic when an individual is left to go on alone through no real fault of their own, but it's incredibly upsetting when they could choose to continue to be surrounded by people who love them but they instead choose to live a life cut off from their loved ones because they think it's how things have to be. Why these stories hurt so much right now, I'm not sure. Maybe I just feel especially lonely and I haven't really figured it out. But either way, I find them especially heartbreaking right now.

So, of course, the series ends with the lead finally being reunited with his best friend from his human life, who he's been avoiding for so long because he doesn't want him to know he's turned into this monstrous thing, after a prolonged street battle between human police forces and half the ghouls in the city. Best friend reveals that he's known about the whole half-ghoul thing almost the entire time and just wants to know that Kaneki's okay pretty much just in time for him to die in the lead's arms from severe injuries he sustained in said battle. And so the lead carries him back out to the street, lays him down gently in front of a bunch of police officers, and... essentially commits suicide by standing there and refusing to fight back against a bunch of angry armed policemen.

I cried. I cried so much more than it really merited. It hurt so much to finally see the two friends reunited just in time for everything to go to hell in a handbasket. And life does go on, but it doesn't go on for them, so why did the lead have to lose everything? It's like a kick in the stomach and while it's sort of an enjoyably cathartic pain, I really wanted to see him live. I wanted to see him live and find a new way to exist with his permanently altered reality. I wanted to see him come back to the world instead of continuing to pull away. But it didn't happen and it made me angry. I wanted to throw something at the tv because it hurt so much.

I'm watching a couple of new shows now, also with magic. I am hoping so much that I don't end up crying over them too, though I think tonewise it would be all wrong for them to end unhappily.

007

Oct. 18th, 2017 11:28 pm
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[personal profile] damalur
@femdeku said: Hawke / Varric - "Unrequited."

Sometimes, when it was late and they were both languid and tipsy, he could get the sort of answers out of her that she would never have surrendered under other circumstances. Hawke was funny like that — you had to come at her sideways, with care, because she'd spook and bolt if you approached her head-on. It was like all the wariness, all the fear that she didn't ever exhibit in the thick of battle was saved up and brought out only when she was faced with a personal conversation. She'd be quite happy to let you think she never felt any emotions other than amusement, curiosity, and self-gratification. The rareness of it made her anger truly terrible to behold, and her grief even more terrible.

Which didn't explain how Varric had stumbled into this conversation.

It was late enough that the Herald's Rest was empty. Even Cabot had retired for the night, although not without a firm admonishment to the remaining pair still drinking by the fire. Most of the lanterns had been doused, making it seem like the only light came from the low red bank of the fire. Varric and Hawke both sat in chairs positioned before the hearth — bottle between them, legs stretched towards the heat — although Hawke's legs stretched considerably further than Varric's.

"Surely you're joking," said Hawke.

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006

Oct. 15th, 2017 11:49 pm
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[personal profile] damalur
@musicalheart168 said: Anything Hawke x Varric, let’s be real

I hope you're enjoying this. I much prefer being written to (or about) to having written, but yes, all right, I'll concede that a near-death incident is enough to win you a proper response, if only because I apparently need to remind you that you aren't allowed to die yet. I have a signed contract saying so, and you dwarves are sticklers for contracts. Brief aside: I took great amusement in imagining your reaction at being lumped in with "you dwarves."

My hand already hurts, Varric. Why in the world would you do this for fun?

Hang on a moment -- there we go, back again. Carver was rooting around in my pack for something. Gave him a kick in the rear. Serves him right, the idiot; I knew someone was stealing my jerky.

Anyway, it's a good thing you provided me with this list of questions as a guide to letter-composition (Hawke said sarcastically). You can be a bit of a control freak, Varric, has anyone ever told you that? Other than me -- my memory isn't so bad I don't remember mentioning it half a dozen times.

Oh, fine. On with the letter.

1. Dear Varric,

(That was admittedly a bit belated, but I never really feel as though our conversations have beginning and ends -- it seems that even on paper, we're halfway into the discussion already.)

2. I live!

(Didn't you indicate this is the most crucial piece of information to convey? Vaguely recall something about "life and livelihood," perhaps paired with an admonishment about concealing injuries. In the interest of honesty, I offer a complete catalog:

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Dear Creator - Holidays!!! on Ice

Oct. 15th, 2017 10:43 am
qem_chibati: Coloured picture of Killua from hunter x hunter, with the symbol of Qem in the corner. (A cat made from Q, E, M) (Default)
[personal profile] qem_chibati
Dear Creator for Holidays!!! on Ice,

Firstly thank you! I'm really looking forward to whatever you produce. If you want to know more about what I like you can see the sort of art I reblog here on tumblr or you can see my fic bookmarks here on ao3. I also made a longer list of likes and dislikes here.

Best Wishes
Qem


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daily, weekly, monthly

Oct. 11th, 2017 10:01 pm
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[personal profile] jessenigma
So twitter has informed me that today is National Coming Out Day, following on the heels of World Mental Health Day yesterday.

I'm never quite sure if I should take part in days like this. Not because I don't think they're helpful, because I very much think they are for many, many people, but because I always feel a tiny bit weird about popping up and chiming in about myself. I suppose I'm rather private, though I'm not sure I actually am that private... at least, not on the internet.

I thought about saying something on twitter yesterday, if only because I suffer from trichotillomania and I tend to think more people should be aware of trichotillomania and dermatillomania. But I didn't partly because I don't exactly suffer from trichotillomania. I still pull my hair some but for the most part I don't really worry about it so much... so it's difficult to call it suffering. The hardest time I've had recently was when I had laser hair removal on my face and neck two years ago - during the process, you aren't supposed to do any kind of hair removal that destroys the roots of the hairs you're trying to laser away, so I practically had to sit on my hands to stop myself from whipping out a mirror and tweezers and going to town like I normally would. But suffering? Not really. Even when I find myself in the rare position of having to fix a bare patch in my eyebrows, it's not as half as distressing as it used to be. It's hard to discuss the emotional pain involved when the pain is mostly a memory at this point.

Though also it's hard for me to talk about trich because then I get this urge to pull at my eyebrows. As I sit here typing this, I want to run my finger over my left eyebrow and find just the right hair to pull. The urge will go away once I quit thinking about it, but it's a lot easier to stop thinking about it when I'm just writing a blog post than it is when I'm potentially setting myself up to engage in conversation about it. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about it, not any more, but I really shouldn't set myself up for temptation. My poor eyebrows have suffered enough over the last 20 years.

As for National Coming Out Day, well... I don't know. More bi+ people out is a good thing, right? I might've gotten rid of all my internalized weirdness and been able to own my bisexuality for real at 18 instead of holding off for another ten years if I'd had more people out there going "yes, bisexuality is real, you aren't just trying to make yourself sound more interesting, your attractions are legitimate". But sometimes I really resent the idea that I have to go to the effort of coming out and that people can't just be more relaxed about the idea of people liking whoever they like regardless of gender.

I got a bit upset at this tumblr post I read a few months ago, written by someone who didn't like the idea of fictional utopias where sexual orientation just wasn't an issue because they didn't like the absence of gay culture. I didn't expect to feel so upset, not least of all because I do very much understand the point about gay culture. But I suppose this is where I'm a private person because I really would prefer a world where I didn't have to explain why I was into a person who's a different gender from a person I was into the week before. I would sacrifice gay culture in a heartbeat for a broader culture that was legitimately open to people of all genders and attractions. And I'm fine with that, even if it makes me some sort of horrible assimilationist.

So I haven't come out again, despite it being National Coming Out Day, because I am so very tired of needing to... and because, on some level, I am still a bit afraid to come out to any more people irl. My own sense of legitimacy isn't in question any more because I know who I am, but I still find it demoralizing to be dismissed.

It's good, I suppose, to have these sorts of days. And maybe I should use my voice more. But sometimes I wish it was easier just to be and not have to yell so loudly to make sure people know you're real.

005

Oct. 11th, 2017 12:19 am
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[personal profile] damalur
Anonymous: One shot bianca dealing with hawke/varric. <3

"She's not what I expected."

"Who?" Varric said. "Hawke?" He dragged his eyes away from her and finally looked at Bianca, who remembered a time when she'd been able to immediately command his attention with no more than her presence. He had a dozen other things to occupy him now, not the least of which was the tall human woman consulting with her brother on the other side of the hall.

They'd been so young then. Too young, although Varric had always seemed just a little bit younger. It was all those stories, going to his head, buoying him above the waterline when the weight of his world threatened to pull him under. And then there was her own fatal flaw, which was that she had to take everything apart to figure out how it worked. She didn't have patience for fiction.

"Hawke," Bianca said. "She's a brassy one, isn't she? I always thought you needed a sobering influence, even if you are a tangled ball of worry, but you went in the opposite direction instead."

"I haven't talked about her that much," Varric protested.

"And that speaks volumes," Bianca said. "Anyway, I read your book about her. Caught a case of hero-worship, haven't you?"

He snorted. "Please. Trust me when I say that I've seen Hawke at her best and at her worst."

"Have you now?" she said. He was slow to catch her tone, but when he did, bam, there it was: all his focus, right on her. Varric largely came across as a mild sort of man -- friendly, good-humored, a little stubborn, maybe a touch roguish, but overall easy-natured. He was slow to change his mind and sometimes a touch too complacent. But what people didn't realize was what lay behind all that: the slow molten devotion, the sharpness, the protectiveness, the watchful edge and guile. She used to live for the moment when she had all that heed trained on her.

From over and away, Hawke let out a loud cackle of laughter, and just like that, Varric's gaze slid away again. Ah, well -- it had never really been more than borrowed in the first place.

"You know," Bianca said, "I'm glad you have her, Varric. I really am."

His answering smile was a little rueful, a little grateful, and more than a little crooked. "Yeah," he said. "Me, too."

004

Oct. 9th, 2017 09:52 pm
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[personal profile] damalur
Anonymous: for a prompt, varric/hawke, "all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story"

"It won't work, you know," said Hawke. She was drinking her very fine, very dark stout nonetheless, but she found she had little patience for these sorts of games anymore. Wonder of wonders – and she'd always thought her patience with Varric infinite.

"What won't work?" he said.

"This," Hawke said. "All of it. I might be cracked, but I'm not stupid, Varric. The tavern, the beer, the music, the company – how much did you play that minstrel to switch to Ferelden folk songs? And an inn like this should have thirty crowded around its fireplace, not three." They were at the corner of a busy crossroads, and although the hour was late, there wasn't an empty room to be had, but other than the minstrel playing softly in a corner across the room and a pair of thoroughly-soaked messengers, there wasn't a customer in sight.

"Thought you might now be in the mood for a crowd," said Varric. "Come on, Champion – "

"No," she said. "Don't call me that."

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