[TB/X] Kisses in the snow ....
Dec. 2nd, 2004 10:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
inkpawprintsIt's December, and Christmas is coming! So, here's a Christmas-themed snippet. Actually it's been floating on my hard-drive in several versions and sections, a couple I'm pretty sure I've already put up here, but I'm trying to make it into a coherent story now. Besides, I wanted to do a fic with Seishirou being more considerate and perhaps even a little gentle, plus I liked the image that was in my head, and you can head over to Yuuzai and find the picture version that I talked Ari and C into doing for me (thanks, guys!).
Comes after 'Silent Night, Lonely Night'. Give me enough alcohol and S&S smut/p0rn and maybe I'll continue it into a lemon, but right now I like the nice romance.
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There is a room in an apartment above the streets. Light shines out through the snow from the sliding glass doors, warm as a candle flame, and there is gold tinsel on the balcony. One end of the tinsel has come loose, and the whole decoration waves about in the wind like the tail of a drowsy cat.
Inside the room, three people are about to have dinner. One of them, a girl, is dressed as a Christmas elf complete with belled shoes and darting about setting the table just right. There are two people seated waiting at the table on adjacent sides, a boy and a man. The boy is the twin of the girl and looks exactly like her, save for the fact that his clothes are more subdued in shades of blue and pale grey. His smile is softer than hers. The man is in his mid-twenties, and wears a red sweater over a button-down collared shirt, and glasses. He is also smiling. The smile is bestowed upon the boy.
At last, the table is arranged to the girl’s satisfaction. With a triumphant flourish she sits down and like a benevolent queen gives permission to start eating. Food is distributed, drinks are poured, conversation is exchanged. As the meal progresses the conversation turns to banter, to which the three of them respond to in their own ways: the girl teases, the man teases more, the boy blushes as a result. At one point the teasing turns to the subject of kissing. Ignoring her brother’s protests the girl dares the man to kiss the boy. With a laugh, the man takes up the dare, or at least attempts to do so. Just when he gets too close the boy shies away, his fair face flaming red. It prompts laughter from the girl and a melodramatic pout from the man. Ah well, there’s always next year, says the girl to her embarrassed brother. The man smiles enigmatically and doesn’t reply. Seeing it, the girl glares with hard emerald eyes and points her eating knife at him. Next Christmas there will be a kiss between you two! she declares. Promise!
The man laughs and says yes, he promises. Beside him, the boy, still blushing and eyes fixed on his plate, makes a movement that could be constituted as a nod. The girl looks satisfied and lowers her knife. Only then is the dinner allowed to continue, while beyond the glass doors the snow falls and the tinsel works free of the balcony to drift away into the night.
This room is a room of easy intimacy and love.
This room is a memory.
Once
The alleyway seemed a lifetime ago.
Subaru let himself be jostled by the crowd with as much feeling as a stone being rolled by a river current. No one apologised to him, and he didn’t say a word either. He wasn’t sure if he could have.
There was something almost unreal about the situation he found himself in. He was warm. He had eaten properly, and well too at that. He was walking down a snow-and-light covered street like the rest of the masses out tonight to enjoy one night of rest and festivity. And, like the majority of those on the street, he wasn’t alone. That was the really surreal part coming in; the fact that there was someone walking beside him at his pace by his side, and even more surreal was that it was Seishirou. Seishirou for his part seemed completely at ease, as if taking a walk with his traditional opponent was something he did everyday. There was even a smile on his face.
Subaru turned away. He hadn’t expected Seishirou to choose to stay – quite the contrary, he had fully expected to be left with nothing but the sound of departing footsteps. Instead, after the ‘rescue’ Seishirou had brought him to a small but crowded teahouse, where Subaru’s clothes had been dried and Subaru himself warmed with steaming tea. Then Seishirou had taken Subaru out. A late dinner at a restaurant had been first, followed by a walk beside the river, watching the city lights. An impromptu group of carollers had captured their attention for a song or two. They had whisked through the crowds barely touching them, yet even that was enough to make Subaru dizzy. He could so easily lose himself in it all; the chatter, the lights, the music, the presence of the person walking at his side … he could not. No matter how hard he tried, how much he wanted to let it all sweep him away, he couldn’t. And the more he tried the more he felt that distance, that barrier that separated him from, from … from everything. They were in a street-mall now, walking past brightly lit display windows and avoiding exuberant last-minute shoppers caught up in the Christmas specials. In the lights the Sakurazukamori looked so human, so normal – and beautiful, of course.
Subaru stole another glance. Yes, the Sakurazukamori was beautiful. Not beautiful like the woman in the story Subaru had been told long ago, the woman whose face launched a thousand ships, no, this was beauty of a quiet, deadly kind, like a finely crafted sword. Subaru couldn’t help but want to touch that beauty, to run his hands over it and feel it.
He wondered that if when he pulled his hands away, would they be bleeding?
Dreams like this sent him running out onto the streets. He had half-flung himself out of the cold safety of his apartment searching for a different exorcism to the kind he had been trained to do. In a way, he had found it. He didn’t know who that man had been, or why he had fixed on him of all people in that dingy bar. Perhaps the man had picked up on what Subaru wanted, that he wanted to feel someone, wanted to feel special for once, wanted to feel wanted by someone on this night of all nights when everyone was coming together. He could have stayed with the others in his position who knew about the end of the world, but why spoil their night with his presence?
Besides, there was only one person he wanted.
… Perhaps Subaru should thank that man, or he would have if the man could still hear. After all, that man brought him Seishirou.
So lost in his own thoughts was he, that Subaru didn’t realise that Seishirou was talking until he pointed something out to him.
“See that couple on the corner there, the husband with his arm wrapped around his wife? Not three days ago they were squabbling like their children over some petty thing. Yet now, tonight, they behave like when they were first engaged, because they believe that this night is special. The one time of the year that people are truly kind to each other.”
Memory – a drunken leer, desire, sheer terror, all cut off in one blow. Here in the rushing, oblivious crowd, it was hard to believe that only hours before a lonely, nameless man had died violently, for no reason other than blundering into a story he had no part in.
Truly a night of kindness, wasn’t it.
“Are you warm enough, Subaru-kun?”
Subaru blinked, startled at the question and even more so by the apparent concern. “Yes.”
The mouth beneath the sunglasses smiled – even at this time of night Seishirou still wore them. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Why do I not believe you, you who would drive yourself into the ground to finish a job – ah!” Subaru blinked again as Seishirou smiled at him. “I just thought of something. Can you wait for me? I won’t be long.”
Before Subaru could say anything, Seishirou turned and left. The crowd swallowed him up. Subaru stared after him for a moment, trying to catch up with what just happened. Once he did, he panicked.
“Seishirou-san? Seishirou-san!”
He began to walk, then to run, quickly, agitatedly, pushing past the people around him ignoring their outrage, standing up on tiptoe over their heads to search—
A sea of faceless strangers.
For a moment Subaru simply stood there, a single point of stillness in the crowd, feeling an icy coldness creeping up past his neck. Had Seishirou left him? Even though the Sakurazukamori had chosen to go with Subaru of his own free will, had he decided that he had had enough and left as suddenly as he had appeared? Subaru had never expected Seishirou to remain in the first place, but still, to be abandoned like this … he began to run, directionless like some child separated from his parents in the middle of a shopping mall …
He had almost reached the end of the street when Seishirou turned up again, melting out of the crowd in front of Subaru like a dark spectre. Subaru literally ran into him then sprang back. The man had a white box in his hands. “Where did you go?” Subaru blurted out.
Seishirou wasn’t smiling. “I asked you to wait for me.”
“I—”
“After that interesting performance earlier on, this is most impolite. Besides, have you forgotten that you can’t run from me, Subaru-kun?” The sunglasses tilted to stare pointedly at his hands.
Subaru clenched his fists. “I wasn’t running. I was looking for you.”
There was an almost imperceptible frown. “Were you?”
“Yes.”
Silence for a moment, with only the background murmur of the crowd around them. Then the smile was back again. “You should have been more patient, Subaru-kun. Oh well. Here.” Subaru blinked in utter consternation as Seishirou placed the box into his hands. “Merry Christmas.”
There were a few seconds of speechlessness as he tried to comprehend. “Wh-what’s this?” he asked.
“A Christmas present. I understand it’s customary to give them at this time of the year.”
Still stunned, Subaru ran his fingers over the smooth cardboard, the silver ribbon tied around it. “Can I open it?”
“If you wish.”
Trying to balance the box in one hand, Subaru undid the ribbon with the other. He managed it with some difficulty, but at last the ribbon was dangling from his fingers. He lifted the lid and parted the soft white tissue inside, then stared. The red of the scarf glared at him like blood against snow. Hesitantly Subaru touched it. It was soft, luxuriously so. He remembered shopping with Hokuto, and how expensive cashmere was priced …
Subaru’s hand tightened on the scarf and he turned his head away. “How can you be so nice?” he whispered.
He sensed Seishirou’s gaze upon him, heavy and unrelenting. “Is there a rule somewhere that states I can’t be?”
“It’s not that.” He put the lid back on the box. “It’s just not you.”
“And are you such an expert that you would know what is and isn’t me? Your track record doesn’t do you much credit. Understand, Subaru-kun, it takes as much effort to ‘be nice’ as it does to kill a man, which means that it takes very little effort at all.”
Fragment, crack. Subaru’s eyes darkened. “Fine.” Without another word he shoved the gift-box into Seishirou’s hands, then turned and stormed away.
He didn’t get any more than five paces before his wrist was grabbed in a painful lock that pulled him to an abrupt halt. Seishirou wasn’t smiling as Subaru twisted his head around to look over his shoulder with wide eyes.
“You’re really in no position to walk away from me, Subaru-kun.” The Sakurazukamori’s voice was soft, dangerously so. Behind him, the gift-box lay forgotten in the snow, its lid askew revealing a flash of red. “After all, you were the one who demanded a choice. Having made a decision one would expect you to respect it. Or did you really not care whether I walked away or stayed? Did it really matter if it was me? Or were you perfectly happy with that other one? Will anyone do?”
Subaru couldn’t answer, stunned by the unexpectedness of the moment. Seishirou’s sunglasses reflected Subaru’s face back at him like a pair of dark mirrors. He looked very small in them, small and frightened. Hardly even aware of what he was doing, Subaru reached for them.
Seishirou flinched. Before Subaru could react Seishirou grabbed his other wrist, making him hiss in pain. Instinctively he struggled; it was futile, of course, and he glared up at his captor. “Let me go.”
Seishirou didn’t respond. Subaru’s eyes darkened and he struggled again like a fish on a hook. “I said, let me go!”
To his complete surprise, Seishirou did. Off-balance, Subaru fell heavily to his knees in the snow which soaked quickly into the knees of his pants. His wrists were throbbing – he rubbed them and glared upwards in defiance, opening his mouth to speak. Seishirou gazed implacably down at him.
Subaru fell silent.
For a moment, maybe an eternity longer, they held the gaze. Then Seishirou turned and walked away without a word.
The night was growing older. Subaru watched Seishirou leave and disappear into the crowd. He felt very tired, and, strangely sorrowed. Somewhere, children were singing. Their voices floated on the wind. Subaru barely heard them. All around Subaru people hurried by, little more than shadows in his awareness. They barely noticed him, barely spared him a single glance, yet surely they knew he was there, a foolish young man sitting in the snow, for they gave him a respectful berth, sweeping past him like dark water around a rock. The snow surrounding Subaru was virtually untrampled except for the trail of footprints that led first towards him, then away. Slowly, the snow was covering them up. Soon they would be gone completely, and once more Subaru would have nothing, a child who had neglected the pet he had begged for and only realised its worth when it flew away.
Fading footsteps, and voices on the wind. Subaru felt very, very cold. Not five steps from where he knelt, the gift Seishirou had given him lay carelessly thrown aside. It was slowly being covered in white.
Subaru reached out for it. He crawled forward on hands and knees, breath harsh in his throat, until he could grasp the gift-box and pull it towards him. Snow fell softly, white on red. He lifted out the scarf and rubbed it between his fingers, remembering another night of snow, of gifts ...
If he bled, he couldn’t see.
Quickly, Subaru put the scarf back in the box and replaced the lid. He stood up, holding the gift-box to his chest, searching the crowd with new urgency. Nearing the other end of the street someone was walking, a lone, solitary shadow of a man who could give nothing more than what he already had.
Subaru followed him. After a few meters be broke into a run, shoving through the flow of the crowd. The other person didn’t slow, but nor did he quicken. Finally, just beneath a streetlamp, Subaru caught up. He stopped just short of touching, though.
“Wait.”
Seishirou halted. It was a moment before he turned around. The mask of the sunglasses said nothing, but Subaru could feel the other man’s gaze travelling over him, first over his face, then his body, finally settling on the white box he held in his arms. It left a shivering fire in its wake. Subaru tightened his hold upon the box, gathering his courage to speak.
“That one Christmas, at Hokuto-chan’s apartment, you promised something.” Was his voice trembling? He was exerting every effort to make sure it wasn’t. “You promised that – I mean you promised me … you promised me a kiss.”
Silence. Subaru tried not to blink or swallow in nervousness, though one glance at the way his hands clutched the box could betray him. He had managed to say it, and it had been easier than he thought. Waiting for the response, but …
“If I remember correctly,” said Seishirou at last, the tone of his voice markedly casual, “the promise was made to Hokuto-chan, from the both of us.”
Subaru didn’t speak. He probably couldn’t have trusted his tongue anyway.
“Don’t you think that nine years is a little late?” continued Seishirou.
The old, tired adage rose unbidden. “Better late than never.”
He instinctively stiffened as Seishirou came towards him, his movements silent even on the snow, and Subaru involuntarily stepped backwards, one step, two, until he stopped and realised he had backed into the streetlamp. Then he could only brace himself and watch as Seishirou came closer, close enough that when he stopped, Subaru could if he dared, touch him with his smallest finger. Of course, Subaru didn’t dare. He had used up most of his courage just getting to this point already.
Seishirou watched him, head tilted slightly to one side with apparent detachment. Subaru swallowed tautly, seeing himself again in the mirror of the sunglasses and wondering what the hell Seishirou was thinking. But then Seishirou smiled, an odd little smile, and laughed softly before reaching up to place his hands on either side of Subaru’s startled face.
“Close your eyes,” he said, before leaning in to kiss him.
Subaru froze, eyes wide open. He could see in extreme close up the tiny beads of water on Seishirou’s skin that was all that was left of the snow that had fallen there, and the blurred strands of black hair that seemed to have gotten caught in his eyelashes. Against his cheeks Seishirou’s fingers were cold, almost frozen, or maybe they only seemed to be cold because Subaru was blushing so hard that everything else was cold in comparison. The pressure on his lips was likewise cold, but it was also soft, and far, far more importantly, was being given by this person—
Air on his face. Leaning back, Seishirou resumed looking at him as if gauging the reaction, though he had not yet removed his hands. Heart trip-hammering, Subaru blinked as his mind slowly caught up. His first kiss had come and gone before he had learnt to appreciate it and left nothing but an aching hunger.
The sunglasses reflected his pained expression back at him. Then Seishirou smirked and began to turn away—
The sunglasses. The thrice-damned sunglasses.
Without thinking Subaru reached up with one hand to catch Seishirou’s fingers before they pulled away from his face. “Wait,” he said hoarsely. Seishirou stopped and glanced at him. “I … I didn’t close my eyes.”
He expected Seishirou to walk away then, the promise technically fulfilled leaving no reason to stay. The thought hurt, and the hurt released something within him, as if a shell had cracked, one chance, just one and damn the consequences. There was the briefest of hesitations on Seishirou’s part, and Subaru took advantage of that, tugging the other man towards him by the hand until the gift box was pinned between them so as to somehow clumsily find his mouth with his. The kiss was still cold and soft, but this time it was responsive, a slow hesitant dance of lips and warm breath and skin. Somehow through the kiss Subaru slid his hand along Seishirou’s arm until he could reach and tangle his fingers in Seishirou’s hair. His thumb hooked under the arm of Seishirou’s sunglasses, pulling it away … Seishirou stiffened only slightly, but otherwise did not stop him as the sunglasses fell off. Seishirou’s eyes were closed, Subaru realised distractedly as was tipped back so that his head rested against the pole of the streetlamp, a vague sensation lost in the haze of the kiss which had ceased to be cold. Seishirou’s fingers, however, did not warm, and Subaru shivered as he felt them move down his neck, his own eyes finally closing as he allowed himself to be carried away. He gave a soft sigh, lips parting, and Seishirou took that as invitation, gently sliding his tongue into the hollow of Subaru’s mouth, an intimacy that made Subaru flinch for a moment before he learned to welcome it, respond to it, enjoy their shared breath, wanting more …
The kiss stopped. Subaru kept his eyes closed, savouring the lingering taste like a heady glass of wine. There was warmth on his skin, and he opened his eyes to find Seishirou’s face barely millimetres away from his. The man’s eyes were amused, reflecting the smile beneath, and yet in a way also guarded. “Was that for Hokuto-chan?” he asked.
Subaru swallowed tautly. “No,” he whispered. “That was for me.”
Comes after 'Silent Night, Lonely Night'. Give me enough alcohol and S&S smut/p0rn and maybe I'll continue it into a lemon, but right now I like the nice romance.
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There is a room in an apartment above the streets. Light shines out through the snow from the sliding glass doors, warm as a candle flame, and there is gold tinsel on the balcony. One end of the tinsel has come loose, and the whole decoration waves about in the wind like the tail of a drowsy cat.
Inside the room, three people are about to have dinner. One of them, a girl, is dressed as a Christmas elf complete with belled shoes and darting about setting the table just right. There are two people seated waiting at the table on adjacent sides, a boy and a man. The boy is the twin of the girl and looks exactly like her, save for the fact that his clothes are more subdued in shades of blue and pale grey. His smile is softer than hers. The man is in his mid-twenties, and wears a red sweater over a button-down collared shirt, and glasses. He is also smiling. The smile is bestowed upon the boy.
At last, the table is arranged to the girl’s satisfaction. With a triumphant flourish she sits down and like a benevolent queen gives permission to start eating. Food is distributed, drinks are poured, conversation is exchanged. As the meal progresses the conversation turns to banter, to which the three of them respond to in their own ways: the girl teases, the man teases more, the boy blushes as a result. At one point the teasing turns to the subject of kissing. Ignoring her brother’s protests the girl dares the man to kiss the boy. With a laugh, the man takes up the dare, or at least attempts to do so. Just when he gets too close the boy shies away, his fair face flaming red. It prompts laughter from the girl and a melodramatic pout from the man. Ah well, there’s always next year, says the girl to her embarrassed brother. The man smiles enigmatically and doesn’t reply. Seeing it, the girl glares with hard emerald eyes and points her eating knife at him. Next Christmas there will be a kiss between you two! she declares. Promise!
The man laughs and says yes, he promises. Beside him, the boy, still blushing and eyes fixed on his plate, makes a movement that could be constituted as a nod. The girl looks satisfied and lowers her knife. Only then is the dinner allowed to continue, while beyond the glass doors the snow falls and the tinsel works free of the balcony to drift away into the night.
This room is a room of easy intimacy and love.
This room is a memory.
Once
The alleyway seemed a lifetime ago.
Subaru let himself be jostled by the crowd with as much feeling as a stone being rolled by a river current. No one apologised to him, and he didn’t say a word either. He wasn’t sure if he could have.
There was something almost unreal about the situation he found himself in. He was warm. He had eaten properly, and well too at that. He was walking down a snow-and-light covered street like the rest of the masses out tonight to enjoy one night of rest and festivity. And, like the majority of those on the street, he wasn’t alone. That was the really surreal part coming in; the fact that there was someone walking beside him at his pace by his side, and even more surreal was that it was Seishirou. Seishirou for his part seemed completely at ease, as if taking a walk with his traditional opponent was something he did everyday. There was even a smile on his face.
Subaru turned away. He hadn’t expected Seishirou to choose to stay – quite the contrary, he had fully expected to be left with nothing but the sound of departing footsteps. Instead, after the ‘rescue’ Seishirou had brought him to a small but crowded teahouse, where Subaru’s clothes had been dried and Subaru himself warmed with steaming tea. Then Seishirou had taken Subaru out. A late dinner at a restaurant had been first, followed by a walk beside the river, watching the city lights. An impromptu group of carollers had captured their attention for a song or two. They had whisked through the crowds barely touching them, yet even that was enough to make Subaru dizzy. He could so easily lose himself in it all; the chatter, the lights, the music, the presence of the person walking at his side … he could not. No matter how hard he tried, how much he wanted to let it all sweep him away, he couldn’t. And the more he tried the more he felt that distance, that barrier that separated him from, from … from everything. They were in a street-mall now, walking past brightly lit display windows and avoiding exuberant last-minute shoppers caught up in the Christmas specials. In the lights the Sakurazukamori looked so human, so normal – and beautiful, of course.
Subaru stole another glance. Yes, the Sakurazukamori was beautiful. Not beautiful like the woman in the story Subaru had been told long ago, the woman whose face launched a thousand ships, no, this was beauty of a quiet, deadly kind, like a finely crafted sword. Subaru couldn’t help but want to touch that beauty, to run his hands over it and feel it.
He wondered that if when he pulled his hands away, would they be bleeding?
Dreams like this sent him running out onto the streets. He had half-flung himself out of the cold safety of his apartment searching for a different exorcism to the kind he had been trained to do. In a way, he had found it. He didn’t know who that man had been, or why he had fixed on him of all people in that dingy bar. Perhaps the man had picked up on what Subaru wanted, that he wanted to feel someone, wanted to feel special for once, wanted to feel wanted by someone on this night of all nights when everyone was coming together. He could have stayed with the others in his position who knew about the end of the world, but why spoil their night with his presence?
Besides, there was only one person he wanted.
… Perhaps Subaru should thank that man, or he would have if the man could still hear. After all, that man brought him Seishirou.
So lost in his own thoughts was he, that Subaru didn’t realise that Seishirou was talking until he pointed something out to him.
“See that couple on the corner there, the husband with his arm wrapped around his wife? Not three days ago they were squabbling like their children over some petty thing. Yet now, tonight, they behave like when they were first engaged, because they believe that this night is special. The one time of the year that people are truly kind to each other.”
Memory – a drunken leer, desire, sheer terror, all cut off in one blow. Here in the rushing, oblivious crowd, it was hard to believe that only hours before a lonely, nameless man had died violently, for no reason other than blundering into a story he had no part in.
Truly a night of kindness, wasn’t it.
“Are you warm enough, Subaru-kun?”
Subaru blinked, startled at the question and even more so by the apparent concern. “Yes.”
The mouth beneath the sunglasses smiled – even at this time of night Seishirou still wore them. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Why do I not believe you, you who would drive yourself into the ground to finish a job – ah!” Subaru blinked again as Seishirou smiled at him. “I just thought of something. Can you wait for me? I won’t be long.”
Before Subaru could say anything, Seishirou turned and left. The crowd swallowed him up. Subaru stared after him for a moment, trying to catch up with what just happened. Once he did, he panicked.
“Seishirou-san? Seishirou-san!”
He began to walk, then to run, quickly, agitatedly, pushing past the people around him ignoring their outrage, standing up on tiptoe over their heads to search—
A sea of faceless strangers.
For a moment Subaru simply stood there, a single point of stillness in the crowd, feeling an icy coldness creeping up past his neck. Had Seishirou left him? Even though the Sakurazukamori had chosen to go with Subaru of his own free will, had he decided that he had had enough and left as suddenly as he had appeared? Subaru had never expected Seishirou to remain in the first place, but still, to be abandoned like this … he began to run, directionless like some child separated from his parents in the middle of a shopping mall …
He had almost reached the end of the street when Seishirou turned up again, melting out of the crowd in front of Subaru like a dark spectre. Subaru literally ran into him then sprang back. The man had a white box in his hands. “Where did you go?” Subaru blurted out.
Seishirou wasn’t smiling. “I asked you to wait for me.”
“I—”
“After that interesting performance earlier on, this is most impolite. Besides, have you forgotten that you can’t run from me, Subaru-kun?” The sunglasses tilted to stare pointedly at his hands.
Subaru clenched his fists. “I wasn’t running. I was looking for you.”
There was an almost imperceptible frown. “Were you?”
“Yes.”
Silence for a moment, with only the background murmur of the crowd around them. Then the smile was back again. “You should have been more patient, Subaru-kun. Oh well. Here.” Subaru blinked in utter consternation as Seishirou placed the box into his hands. “Merry Christmas.”
There were a few seconds of speechlessness as he tried to comprehend. “Wh-what’s this?” he asked.
“A Christmas present. I understand it’s customary to give them at this time of the year.”
Still stunned, Subaru ran his fingers over the smooth cardboard, the silver ribbon tied around it. “Can I open it?”
“If you wish.”
Trying to balance the box in one hand, Subaru undid the ribbon with the other. He managed it with some difficulty, but at last the ribbon was dangling from his fingers. He lifted the lid and parted the soft white tissue inside, then stared. The red of the scarf glared at him like blood against snow. Hesitantly Subaru touched it. It was soft, luxuriously so. He remembered shopping with Hokuto, and how expensive cashmere was priced …
Subaru’s hand tightened on the scarf and he turned his head away. “How can you be so nice?” he whispered.
He sensed Seishirou’s gaze upon him, heavy and unrelenting. “Is there a rule somewhere that states I can’t be?”
“It’s not that.” He put the lid back on the box. “It’s just not you.”
“And are you such an expert that you would know what is and isn’t me? Your track record doesn’t do you much credit. Understand, Subaru-kun, it takes as much effort to ‘be nice’ as it does to kill a man, which means that it takes very little effort at all.”
Fragment, crack. Subaru’s eyes darkened. “Fine.” Without another word he shoved the gift-box into Seishirou’s hands, then turned and stormed away.
He didn’t get any more than five paces before his wrist was grabbed in a painful lock that pulled him to an abrupt halt. Seishirou wasn’t smiling as Subaru twisted his head around to look over his shoulder with wide eyes.
“You’re really in no position to walk away from me, Subaru-kun.” The Sakurazukamori’s voice was soft, dangerously so. Behind him, the gift-box lay forgotten in the snow, its lid askew revealing a flash of red. “After all, you were the one who demanded a choice. Having made a decision one would expect you to respect it. Or did you really not care whether I walked away or stayed? Did it really matter if it was me? Or were you perfectly happy with that other one? Will anyone do?”
Subaru couldn’t answer, stunned by the unexpectedness of the moment. Seishirou’s sunglasses reflected Subaru’s face back at him like a pair of dark mirrors. He looked very small in them, small and frightened. Hardly even aware of what he was doing, Subaru reached for them.
Seishirou flinched. Before Subaru could react Seishirou grabbed his other wrist, making him hiss in pain. Instinctively he struggled; it was futile, of course, and he glared up at his captor. “Let me go.”
Seishirou didn’t respond. Subaru’s eyes darkened and he struggled again like a fish on a hook. “I said, let me go!”
To his complete surprise, Seishirou did. Off-balance, Subaru fell heavily to his knees in the snow which soaked quickly into the knees of his pants. His wrists were throbbing – he rubbed them and glared upwards in defiance, opening his mouth to speak. Seishirou gazed implacably down at him.
Subaru fell silent.
For a moment, maybe an eternity longer, they held the gaze. Then Seishirou turned and walked away without a word.
The night was growing older. Subaru watched Seishirou leave and disappear into the crowd. He felt very tired, and, strangely sorrowed. Somewhere, children were singing. Their voices floated on the wind. Subaru barely heard them. All around Subaru people hurried by, little more than shadows in his awareness. They barely noticed him, barely spared him a single glance, yet surely they knew he was there, a foolish young man sitting in the snow, for they gave him a respectful berth, sweeping past him like dark water around a rock. The snow surrounding Subaru was virtually untrampled except for the trail of footprints that led first towards him, then away. Slowly, the snow was covering them up. Soon they would be gone completely, and once more Subaru would have nothing, a child who had neglected the pet he had begged for and only realised its worth when it flew away.
Fading footsteps, and voices on the wind. Subaru felt very, very cold. Not five steps from where he knelt, the gift Seishirou had given him lay carelessly thrown aside. It was slowly being covered in white.
Subaru reached out for it. He crawled forward on hands and knees, breath harsh in his throat, until he could grasp the gift-box and pull it towards him. Snow fell softly, white on red. He lifted out the scarf and rubbed it between his fingers, remembering another night of snow, of gifts ...
If he bled, he couldn’t see.
Quickly, Subaru put the scarf back in the box and replaced the lid. He stood up, holding the gift-box to his chest, searching the crowd with new urgency. Nearing the other end of the street someone was walking, a lone, solitary shadow of a man who could give nothing more than what he already had.
Subaru followed him. After a few meters be broke into a run, shoving through the flow of the crowd. The other person didn’t slow, but nor did he quicken. Finally, just beneath a streetlamp, Subaru caught up. He stopped just short of touching, though.
“Wait.”
Seishirou halted. It was a moment before he turned around. The mask of the sunglasses said nothing, but Subaru could feel the other man’s gaze travelling over him, first over his face, then his body, finally settling on the white box he held in his arms. It left a shivering fire in its wake. Subaru tightened his hold upon the box, gathering his courage to speak.
“That one Christmas, at Hokuto-chan’s apartment, you promised something.” Was his voice trembling? He was exerting every effort to make sure it wasn’t. “You promised that – I mean you promised me … you promised me a kiss.”
Silence. Subaru tried not to blink or swallow in nervousness, though one glance at the way his hands clutched the box could betray him. He had managed to say it, and it had been easier than he thought. Waiting for the response, but …
“If I remember correctly,” said Seishirou at last, the tone of his voice markedly casual, “the promise was made to Hokuto-chan, from the both of us.”
Subaru didn’t speak. He probably couldn’t have trusted his tongue anyway.
“Don’t you think that nine years is a little late?” continued Seishirou.
The old, tired adage rose unbidden. “Better late than never.”
He instinctively stiffened as Seishirou came towards him, his movements silent even on the snow, and Subaru involuntarily stepped backwards, one step, two, until he stopped and realised he had backed into the streetlamp. Then he could only brace himself and watch as Seishirou came closer, close enough that when he stopped, Subaru could if he dared, touch him with his smallest finger. Of course, Subaru didn’t dare. He had used up most of his courage just getting to this point already.
Seishirou watched him, head tilted slightly to one side with apparent detachment. Subaru swallowed tautly, seeing himself again in the mirror of the sunglasses and wondering what the hell Seishirou was thinking. But then Seishirou smiled, an odd little smile, and laughed softly before reaching up to place his hands on either side of Subaru’s startled face.
“Close your eyes,” he said, before leaning in to kiss him.
Subaru froze, eyes wide open. He could see in extreme close up the tiny beads of water on Seishirou’s skin that was all that was left of the snow that had fallen there, and the blurred strands of black hair that seemed to have gotten caught in his eyelashes. Against his cheeks Seishirou’s fingers were cold, almost frozen, or maybe they only seemed to be cold because Subaru was blushing so hard that everything else was cold in comparison. The pressure on his lips was likewise cold, but it was also soft, and far, far more importantly, was being given by this person—
Air on his face. Leaning back, Seishirou resumed looking at him as if gauging the reaction, though he had not yet removed his hands. Heart trip-hammering, Subaru blinked as his mind slowly caught up. His first kiss had come and gone before he had learnt to appreciate it and left nothing but an aching hunger.
The sunglasses reflected his pained expression back at him. Then Seishirou smirked and began to turn away—
The sunglasses. The thrice-damned sunglasses.
Without thinking Subaru reached up with one hand to catch Seishirou’s fingers before they pulled away from his face. “Wait,” he said hoarsely. Seishirou stopped and glanced at him. “I … I didn’t close my eyes.”
He expected Seishirou to walk away then, the promise technically fulfilled leaving no reason to stay. The thought hurt, and the hurt released something within him, as if a shell had cracked, one chance, just one and damn the consequences. There was the briefest of hesitations on Seishirou’s part, and Subaru took advantage of that, tugging the other man towards him by the hand until the gift box was pinned between them so as to somehow clumsily find his mouth with his. The kiss was still cold and soft, but this time it was responsive, a slow hesitant dance of lips and warm breath and skin. Somehow through the kiss Subaru slid his hand along Seishirou’s arm until he could reach and tangle his fingers in Seishirou’s hair. His thumb hooked under the arm of Seishirou’s sunglasses, pulling it away … Seishirou stiffened only slightly, but otherwise did not stop him as the sunglasses fell off. Seishirou’s eyes were closed, Subaru realised distractedly as was tipped back so that his head rested against the pole of the streetlamp, a vague sensation lost in the haze of the kiss which had ceased to be cold. Seishirou’s fingers, however, did not warm, and Subaru shivered as he felt them move down his neck, his own eyes finally closing as he allowed himself to be carried away. He gave a soft sigh, lips parting, and Seishirou took that as invitation, gently sliding his tongue into the hollow of Subaru’s mouth, an intimacy that made Subaru flinch for a moment before he learned to welcome it, respond to it, enjoy their shared breath, wanting more …
The kiss stopped. Subaru kept his eyes closed, savouring the lingering taste like a heady glass of wine. There was warmth on his skin, and he opened his eyes to find Seishirou’s face barely millimetres away from his. The man’s eyes were amused, reflecting the smile beneath, and yet in a way also guarded. “Was that for Hokuto-chan?” he asked.
Subaru swallowed tautly. “No,” he whispered. “That was for me.”